Zoosk Dating Community

[Juliet the Moderator]

Men like to complain that women are complicated. But, just because people — including women — are complicated does not mean that our lives are devoid of any universal rules or natural laws that govern aspects of our behavior. Men and women are vastly different, but we are all governed by basic social rules and norms. The purpose of this post is to help men talk to women more naturally and casually by understanding a few simple tips.

The thing women expect, more than anything else, is your respect.

As a man, you should always treat women with respect. That means, no rudeness, no insults, no inappropriately sexual comments.

Do not objectify women.

I’ve seen some of the emails that get reported on Zoosk for being inappropriate, and frankly they shock me. Why would it ever be okay for a man to email a woman he’s never met before, commenting on intimate aspects of her anatomy? Are you her gynecologist?

Misogyny will not get you dates.

This point is self-evident.

Take compliments to a cerebral or emotional level, not strictly a physical level.

Women are generally more flattered by compliments about her intelligence, her kindness, the worth of her personality, than comments about her physicality. Telling a woman that you find her interesting is worth a thousand compliments about her looks.

Never comment positively on another woman’s looks around the woman you are trying to woo.

This is basic sense. Even if a drop-dead gorgeous supermodel walks across your path while you are with your sweetie, you should avoid mentioning it to your sweetie. Never tell your sweetie that you find another woman more attractive. Not even a woman in a magazine. Trust me.

Half the struggle of talking to women is just to keep talking.

I’m not saying you should talk non-stop without giving her a chance to speak. I’m saying that the biggest struggle is not to run out of things to talk about. You don’t have to say the most interesting things in the world. You just can’t say nothing.

When in doubt, ask about a woman’s tastes.

People love talking about themselves. If you feel at a loss of things to say around a woman, ask about her tastes in things. What kind of music does she like? What’s her favorite movie? Does she have a favorite book? If you need to, write these topics down in advance.

Don’t come across as arrogant.

Women hate it when men come across as arrogant, or as if they’re trying too hard to impress. I don’t know why men ever think it’s a good idea to be macho around women. The kind of bantering that happens between guys isn’t the same as the kind of communication that occurs between a man and a woman.

Don’t come across as too self-deprecating. Confidence is sexy!

A little bit of self-deprecation is cute, but if all you do is sit around expressing your insecurities… it’s a definite turn-off. Confidence is sexy.

Don’t give up the power too easy. But give it up eventually.

Here’s a big tip. Women like a little bit of a power struggle. We like it when guys play hard to get! Don’t make it too easy for us. BUT, we hate it when you start playing games. We love a bit of a power struggle, but games are for children.

Don’t push women into anything physical too quickly.

When you’re first getting to know a woman, don’t take the relationship into physical territory until you’ve established your parameters. Respecting a woman means letting her decide her comfort level when it comes to getting physical — NOT you dictating it for her.

Women love talking about their feelings.

Most women out there enjoy discussing their feelings. Asking her about her feelings is a great way of letting a woman know that you care about her and that her feelings matter to you.

DO be the sweet, charming man that every girl wants.

Pay attention to these basic rules, and be just that.

[Gimmi99]

Good advice! Men, take these to heart!

OK, so what should women talk to MEN about?

[Mancer]

Well in a perfect world woman would get want they want and so would men, but alas this is by far no perfect world.

I think us men (cough-me) get a little confused when you say things like
1. DO be the sweet, charming man that every girl wants. (sure no problems)
2. Don't give up the power too easy. But give it up eventually. We love a bit of a power struggle, but games are for children. (well hang on, to me that sounds like a GAME!!!! and power struggles aren't the games for soft hearts)
3. Take compliments to a cerebral or emotional level, not strictly a physical level.

Women are generally more flattered by compliments about her intelligence, her kindness, the worth of her personality, than comments about her physicality. Telling a woman that you find her interesting is worth a thousand compliments about her looks.
(so explain why woman spend so much on making themselves look pretty?? If they valued their intelligence and personality so much, why do I have to watch advert after advert of "Age Breaker", "Pro-Active solution" or some fantastic new mineral foundation? Wouldn't these ads be replaced with adverts for books or other personality/non-physical attribute enhancement?)

I appreciate what you are trying to do with this post, but woman are also programmed by nature to seek out those individuals that are the strongest which doesn't correspond to the characteristics of the man you're describing here. Men ofcourse are programmed aswell, to seek out females that look good and healthy etc (reasons for mineral foundation).

So I would say expecations are unreasonable suggestions, because you're only setting yourself up for a potential fall. Just love people and want the best for them without wanting them and I think life gets much better, instead of a "what can you offer me" mentality.

thanks
mancer

[Mathieu]

When you're a woman talking to a man: don't talk to the man as if he's an idiot and you're supremely intelligent. Don't set out a list of do's and don't and assume that he's got no clue. You'll encourage him to treat you with the same lack of respect.

Also I'm no expert - but i'm [i]pretty[i] sure every person is different - and so your generalisations are pretty useless - in fact as much as that 'strategy' might work with one woman - it might be a disaster with the next woman.

And the same would go for women talking to men.

Now, being hyper sensitive about criticism and practicing some sort of authoritarian and draconian censorship I know you wont let this be posted - but thats ok - you read it, and hey - it was directed at you.

Ps, are you qualified to give this sort general psychological advice? have you talked to your insurer about what happens if you dispense this sort of advice to everyone, then they rely on your advice, stuff their lives up as a result and then come after you for damages?

maybe you should. Thats why people run 'hosting' forums these days where people are allowed to (shock horror) talk about what they ACTUALLY want to talk about - for no other reason, it absolves you of liability.

[makunda]

[Patrick]

I find that these Quotes are truly right for us Men esp. We are afraid of what to say. But like u said we could talk about anything and everything BUT NOT Nothing. I find that very soothing to me esp in terms of knowing that I need to feel and also hear to their (women) Thoughts. From observing this words of encouragement u have made me a stronger men, NOT physically only But intellectually THANK YOU

[okie cowboy]

Ok well i hate to say it and as much as things should be this way, too many times have i seen just the opposite of what your saying here. Im your typical "nice guy"...and i have tried everything that you have posted and ill say this....when i have a few too many and just dont care and do the exact oposite it always seems to work better....The real problem is that you cant lump wemen into one big category just like you cant lump men into one big category. Each different woman or man had different personality traits and those have to be taken into account when it comes to even talking to the oposite sex. You have to be able to read what that other person is turned on by and i dont mean physically i mean mentally. But you do have some good points one of the hardest thngs to do is to keep the comversation rolling.

[Terry]

"Telling a woman that you find her interesting is worth a thousand compliments about her looks."

I absolutely agree. Unfortunately - perhaps due to conditioning by the general approaches they receive - most women just throw up a couple of photos and don't include much personal information about their life, hobbies, tastes etc. on their profiles. Leaving us a pretty difficult job of breaking the ice.

From that position we are left in it becomes quite difficult not to say anything about their looks in the first couple of messages. Who hasn't found themselves asking a question about what beach a photo was taken on? .. ignoring the fact that the woman looks great in that bikini .....

Just my $0.02

[Stephan]

Wow, this is a great help! There's even some recognition in some of the points made, for example the point about power struggling. Keeping these points in mind, got a huge date coming up, so Iam glad I read this post.

Thanks!

[DrZiz]

I think a partner guide would help women too so here it is.

How to talk to men 101.

1. Respect men too.
Too often women expect men to respect them but don't return it. Men are sensitive too. We do have feelings. Some of the responses from women (online and IRL) is downright rude.

2. Do not objectify men.
If you don't like men to treat you like a vagina, don't treat men like a piece of penis. We are more than "hot bod and tight abs". Just go though the sheer number of profiles here who objectify men like meat. We are intelligent men and would like to treated the same way as you do.

3. Hating males will not get you dates.
Enough said.

4. A little compliment goes a long way. Most guys are pretty decent guys who are not players or Casanova. Give them compliment for trying. For a women you'll probably gotten used to a hundred hits and winks per day. Guys don't get nearly the same number. We are shy too. So throw out the rule about males having to make the move first. Its old and outdated.

5. Don't flirt with my male friend when i'm there. You don't like it, we don't either.

6. We are not here for you entertainment. You can contribute to the conversation. It does us your intelligence. "Wanting to be treated like a princess" does not show intelligence or maturity.

7. When in doubt ask about a man's tastes. Yes we like to be asked. Never assume that you "know everything about men". This is one mistake most women make. They talk as if they have dated every male in the world.

8. Thrill of the chase is a myth. Its an excuse made by silly boys to explain why they treat you bad. Decent guys either like you or don't.

9. Men aren't easy either. Deal with it. Not all of us want to jump your bones. We like to take things slow too. Don't jump to conclusions that we are not interested. Some men just aren't easy lay.

10. Men aren't used to talking about their feelings. Why? No one listens to them. When was the last time you listened to a man ? Really listened. Its not hard. We used fewer words but we do express ourselves.

11. Most men are used to being put down their entire lives. When you say "you're sweet" they are used to hearing "you're sweet, but..." Women almost never grasp this. Sincerity goes a long way with men.

Remember men are sensitive too, no matter how macho they portray themselves. Don't treat everyone of us like crooks or trying to just get an easy lay. Give men the same level of respect that you expect to be given and treat them the same way you like to be treated.